Cleveland’s major league baseball team, known for decades as the Indians, struck out by taking the name the Guardians.
It’s hard to think of a blander moniker, especially for a gritty city like Cleveland with such a great baseball tradition. Seriously, the name was inspired by a statue on a bridge that no one cares about beyond, say, the Scranton Flats.
Zzzzz.
Paul Dolan, the team’s owner, explained the new name thus: “Cleveland has and always will be the most important part of our identity. Therefore, we wanted a name that strongly represents the pride, resiliency, and loyalty of Clevelanders. ‘Guardians’ reflects those attributes that define us while drawing on the iconic Guardians of Traffic just outside the ballpark on the Hope Memorial Bridge.”
Zzzzz.
But Clevelanders might have a chance for a do-over. A local roller derby team with the same name has sued the Not-the-Indians-Much-Longer-But-Maybe-Not-the-Guardians-Either in federal court for a violation of its trademark.
“Major League Baseball would never let someone name their lacrosse team the ‘Chicago Cubs’ if the team was in Chicago, or their soccer team the ‘New York Yankees’ if that team was in New York – nor should they,” said Christopher Pardo, the lead attorney for the real Cleveland Guardians. “The same laws that protect Major League Baseball from the brand confusion that would occur in those examples also operate in reverse to prevent what the Indians are trying to do here.”
I doubt anyone will confuse the rollers and the ballers, but the suit gives the former Indians team a chance to get the name right.
Every writer knows the important of giving characters the most fitting names. Consider a few examples:
- The Dickens character Ebenezer Scrooge, from A Christmas Carol, sounds a lot like miser and screw, which is what he does to people before his Christmas Eve epiphany.
- Gradgrinds, from Dickens’s Great Expectations, is a school superintendent who cares nothing about the souls of his students–only in disciplining them for their soulless lives ahead.
- Holly Golightly, from Truman Capote’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s, sounds as airy as her character.
- Big Brother, from Orwell’s 1984, conveys the message brutally and clearly, with just enough irony to make the concept chilling.
- Lolita, from Vladimir Nabakov’s novel of that name, is best explained by the author himself: “Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.”
- Hannibal Lecter, from Thomas Harris’s Silence of the Lambs, sounds a lot like cannibal, which he is. It also evokes the Carthaginian general Hannibal known for his exploitive and uncaring attitude toward his own troops.
Naming can provide a memorable handle for characters. The same goes for place names. Can you imagine Los Angeles being called Buffalo or vice versa? No. Those names belong with those places. A good name rolls off the tongue and sounds like the character or place. Every time you hear the name, you are reminded of their qualities and lit’ry appeal.
So what should the Cleveland team be called? That’s easy: The Cleveland Fellers. By far, the team’s greatest player was Bob Feller, the Hall of Fame pitcher who won 266 games from 1936 to 1956, an 18-year career interrupted by two years of service in World War II.
First, I was rooting for the team to be called the Rockers, which would create countless cross-marketing opportunities with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Can you imagine a Rockies-Rockers World Series? Neither can I, but still …
Rapid Robert Feller deserves the honor. No one ever performed better for the Cleveland Nine and no one better embodied the values of the Clevelanders or the game of baseball.
“I would rather beat the Yankees regularly than pitch a no hit game,” said the twirler of three no-hitters.
“I’m no hero,” he said of his service in the war. “Heroes don’t come back. Survivors return home. Heroes never come home. If anyone thinks I’m a hero, I’m not.”
“My father kept me busy from dawn to dusk when I was a kid. When I wasn’t pitching hay, hauling corn or running a tractor, I was heaving a baseball into his mitt behind the barn… If all the parents in the country followed his rule, juvenile delinquency would be cut in half in a year’s time.”
Talk about good Midwestern values. Corny as heck, but worthwhile.
And imagine the wordplay: “I know my Fellers will bounce back from this tough loss,” manager Terry Francona said. Or how about getting a player named Rocco: A Rocky Feller. The zany players would be called the Odd Fellers, natch, after the old fraternal organization. Rhymes will be fun too: the Stellar Fellers, the Killer Fellers, and the Cellar-Dweller Fellers. Cheer leaders could be called Feller Yellers. At the trade deadline, they’d be the Seller Fellers. The PR staff and broadcasters would be the Feller Tellers.
Once upon a time, teams regularly named themselves after people. The Cleveland Browns were named for the Brown family that owned the team. The Indians themselves were named, some believe, to honor a onetime Native American player. The practice is rich in international football (soccer to rubes). Argentina’s Club Atlético Aldosivi comes from the first two letters of the last names of the team’s founders: Allard, Dollfus, Sillard and Wiriott (typewriters then had no W, so the team used a V instead).
When you have a person whose name embodies everything that is great about a team, city, and tradition, do it.
While we’re at it, let’s name the Washington Football Team the Georges. America’s first president deserves the honor. The helmet practically designs itself. Let’s fill the stadium with powder-wigged fans.
But back to the city on the south edge of Lake Erie. (Note to self: Don’t call Cleveland the “Mistake by the Lake” and don’t talk about the lake catching on fire. They hate that.)
Dear Paul Dolan: Not many people get a chance to recover from such a lame decision like the Guardians name. Take advantage of the moment. Be a clever Feller.
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